So you're probably sitting there asking yourself...

...where did Aequanimitas go?
The truth, my friends, is that I've been wandering through the valley of the shadow of basic science research. Unfortunately, I discovered that, indeed, my research to date was all just a shadow... an illusion. I got the answer to the basic question that I had been pursuing for two years. The null prevailed.

Fortunately, I work for a prominent scientist who has good collaborations and multiple irons in the fire. Sadly, due to the nature of science, a great deal of time is required to finish a project, meaning that because I am starting a new project, my graduate training will be rather prolonged... five years is starting to look like a very optimistic completion date, stretching my total time in the MD/PhD program to nine years. If things take longer than expected, as is almost always the case in the scientific realm, it might be possible for me to spend a decade in formal graduate level training. Damn.

Thankfully, life goes on. Outside of lab, your unmotivated and unfaithful blogger has continued to enjoy the fruits of his significant other's labor, which are enough to keep the bills paid and good beer in the kegerator...

...But enough of this wildly optimistic delusional crap where I try to frame my life in order to feel better about it--lets talk about the problems here--let's embrace the reality in which I find myself. We know that whenever something fails there are lessons to be learned and reasons that need to be identified so that the same mistakes are not repeated in the future.

1) As a graduate student, you should not go developing new systems within your lab. It takes a long time to bring a complicated new technique to a laboratory. I did this successfully--I brought a complicated stem cell differentiation to our lab, which I used in my experiments, however, when I used them as a model, it turns out, our hypothesis was wrong. Thus, I spent a long time working on developing a model, to answer a question, which turned out to be unimportant. Two years gone. Boom! Consider for instance, if I had worked with a different person in the lab who was heading into a very productive period of their work--I would already have two middle author publications and most likely have key data for my own first author work. However, I was assigned/unlucky/unwise and worked with someone who was not productive, and so I worked hard for two years, but have nothing, except the experience of bringing a complex technique from another lab to ours--unfortunately, techniques do not a good scientist make.

2) So why did I end up in that position? This, I believe, is the critical question. This is also something thing that is absolutely essential for new PhD students to understand, which unfortunately, I was never told. My training fell at a period of time where there was no mentorship whatsoever though the early research years including choosing a lab, etc. All that I had to lean on was the information from other graduate students, which I took, in my arrogance and enthusiasm, with too many grains of salt. Here is the gem of the blog, the mistake I made, that was preventable. Young students, please, take some time, go to a mountaintop, do some soul searching, go into a lab and do some experiments, whatever you need, but please...

Define your research interests.

I did not do this and it cost me dearly. I ended up going along with the flow, hoping (as I usually do) to get lucky, or that good things would just come my way. They did not.

More broadly though, I think this principle is crucial to all people, not just PhD students. You could change 'define your research interests' to read 'know what you want' for wider applicability.

I firmly believe that all people are selfish to the core. Selfless, altruistic people gain pleasure and are satisfied by helping others. The selfish people gain pleasure by getting what they want. Based on my observation and experience, we are all hedonistic. We do what makes us feel good, something determined by our neurobiology, which is the result of evolutionary selective pressures. Argue with me if you like, but I have yet to hear something to convince me otherwise. This is important.

It is important because this helps us understand why defining your interests/knowing what you want is so crucial. In the classic slit lamp quantum experiment, a photon is passed through a small slit--it has equal probability of landing anywhere on the screen, yet we only know where it will be once we observe it. This, in my opinion, is a great analogy to life. Had I known where I wanted to be and what my research and career interests were, I would have been much clearer in choosing a project, much more savvy in determining who to work with, and been able to observe the photon where I wanted to be. Unfortunately, I did not know this.

Now it could be argued that without these experiences, I would not ever be able to know this. It is an undeniable possibility. But if you can define your interests, set up a goal, and shoot for it, I think you will find your way much better than I did. Oh yeah, find a great mentor too--someone who cares about you. Good luck.

So to focus back on the original question you were asking me, "Where did you go?", I basically have been finishing up a few projects, trying to plan my new project, and taking strong steps to ensure that my next project is successful and to define my research interests further.

Interestingly, this has taken me back to my original question, which I formulated in high school. Why do people behave the way they do? To know that, I wanted to pursue a career where I reached out and helped and understood people at their most vulnerable points--to me, I can't imagine a more vulnerable time than asking someone to open up your head, stick a scalpel in, and make your life improve! In addition to meeting people at that clinical point and psychological point, I also wanted to understand the 'why' part of the question, which led me to neuroscience. My new project will allow me to explore the biology of how the brain changes in response to activity, which to me, is the crux of why we do what we do. Realistically, I hope to learn a bit about why a mouse does what a mouse does, but I think that is where science and technology are. I hope this new project on which I am embarking will allow me to begin to answer this fundamental question I had as a youngster, while at the same time honing my scientific mind.

I have spent the last several weeks coming to this place, refocusing my efforts, and strengthening my life on the homefront. I hope that by returning to my interests, my motivation will reignite, and I will be able to complete this difficult phase of training. The most salient insight is that in order to attain satisfaction, you must know what you want [both in life and in your research].

As I wrap this up, I'm reminded of an editorial I wrote in Phi Psi entitled, 'What is a physician-scientist?' At that point, early in my educational career, I scoffed at my colleague's statement that you need to know what you want, and then go get it. His words were clearly true and wise. Unfortunately, I took them with too many grains of salt, scoffed at them as unattainable, and wrote the article. I wish I had taken them to heart and spent some time actually contemplating that and working to define what I want. We live and learn.

Focus

I heard a fascinating interview on NPR last night where the host was talking to 'experts' about recent findings in the UK that 1 in 7 people reported anxiety issues. The experts were talking about potential explanations for this high rate of anxiety, which is increased relative to years past.

I was intrigued by the proposed explanation--a loss of personal contact and increased exposure to negative news caused by hard situations in the world, but primarily due to the constant media exposure that people receive these days. The experts hypothesized that since people spend so much more time exposed to news via 24 hr cable, internet news feeds, internet on our mobile devices, etc. that we are subconsciously influenced by the heavy negative outlook on the world that the news media takes. Obviously, negativity sells, so it makes sense that the news outlets share it. The experts forward the idea that by hearing about all the negativity in the world, which there is plenty to worry about these days, people focus on that, and ignore many of the positive things in their lives. Couple that to the personal isolation that occurs when you read/watch TV/surf the interent, etc along with the general stress most people feel these days with layoff concerns, decreased income, etc, you get a generalized increase in stress/anxiety levels.

What most intrigued me though, was the impact that this could have on my graduate school experience. Would spending time reading about the stock market crashing or joblessness or declines in real estate values increase my stress and anxiety? As a graduate student, I have complete job security--unless I spend too much time doing other things, but even that can be forgiven occasionally. So could reading about other's anxiety actually increase my own?

In addition to reading negative news, graduate school has its own constant rate of failure that is inherent to science, especially when you're young and still learning. Grad school also definitely provides plenty of alone time, especially when you've made the choices I made that left me as the only person in my particular field at my university. Together it seems like a recipe for excess anxiety.

The lesson, it seems, is that as a graduate student, we are at significant risk for anxiety related disorders--as most grad students will attest, it is a rather stressful endeavour. So, how do we deal with it? I think the key is staying tuned into the big picture, and then focusing on our work so that we're not distracted or exposed to excess negativity, which can be provided bountifully by all the favorite news sites. For me, the greatest struggle is staying focused on work and not spending time reading news, blogging, etc... hmmm. Back to work, so I can get home and increase my personal contact. : P

Grad School: The Internal Struggle

I've been fascinated recently...
...while reflecting on life events, what a contrast graduate school is compared to any challenge I've faced prior. In the past, I've always had an insane work ethic, taking on any job with my typical vigor. This has allowed me to succeed beyond even what I thought possible.

However, with graduate school, my motivation has been challenged, probably in part because of the abstract nature and creativity required to perform many of the tasks at hand. The life of a scientist is daunting, featuring such pleasantries as repeated failure, uncertain future, low reward, unclear direction and often difficult and lonely work environments. Together, these factors can combine to destroy morale and drive, potentially some of the most important ingredients for success in grad school.

To face these issues, one must first acknowledge and recognize their own weaknesses... much easier said than done. Reminds me of the scared passage, which so clearly exemplifies our natural human tendency:

"How can you say to your brother, 'Here, let me remove the speck in your eye,' when you are standing their with a plank in your own eye?"

We are so often blinded to our own issues that we never even see them. However, with enough time alone thinking and reflecting--as takes place in graduate school--these issues begin to emerge.

For me, one of the great struggles has been staying motivated, focused, and on task; refusing to be distracted by the numerous distractions that surround us. This has been especially difficult because of the lonely nature of my work... studying something only myself, and to some small degree, my PI, are interested in. Without camaraderie or a rich and engaged research environment, its hard to stay motivated and focused. After all, we are humans, an extraordinarily social species.

Yet this is the very time when character is sharpened and strengthened. Staying focused and fighting the internal distractions and the mental clutter are the very qualities that will enable one to be successful in an incredibly demanding and diverse career, such as that of a physician-scientist. Its striking to see myself facing such challenges, and seriously struggle with them. But in all honesty, what better time to build those character traits than in graduate school when you have the time and freedom to fail and to struggle.

It is a difficult time, not at all like previous challenges, which were clear-cut and physically-demanding, but rather a time where the battle is primarily internal, struggling to refine and build the character necessary to succeed in the challenges that I will face in the future.

I guess its time to embrace the journey, cause life certainly isn't about waiting for the end point.

Cynicism is so natural!

Its amazing to me...

...how naturally cynicism can come to anyone, even an optimist like I classically was, when confronted with the realities of graduate school. Imagine working away for three years, on several different projects (most failed, despite hard work), and finally finding your holy grail, the novel important finding--the illusive 'Na-cha-uh Pap-uh'. Then you can't repeat your finding. This is the amazingly difficult and absolutely humbling process that wet-lab scientists get to go through. From what I gather this is not uncommon. Furthermore, you have very little feedback throughout this process, and no definite end in sight. Its absolutely amazing how taxing this can be on one's optimism.

The contrast to medical training is sharp. Its much easier to be strong when there is an end in sight, an end that society appreciates, an end that has rewards such as a comfortable life (assuming you're comfortable working crazy hours, which you probably are if you've made it to this point). Its also something you share--you go through with many other classmates, generating a 'herd effect', which eases the pain.

With graduate school, you don't have an easy way out, there's no concrete end, until you get solid data, and you're on your own throughout the process. And if you don't get data? Well that's even worse--a PhD with no publications? What happened?... Grad school is similar to med school though, in that both require a lot of work, and emotional strength--yet they're differnet even within these similarities. The hard work for medical school is completely dictated by others--you have to be at rounds at 5AM, etc--you have no control over your schedule, whereas the hard work in grad school leaves you complete freedom over your schedule. However, if you want to finish your PhD in a decent amount of time, you'll definitely be working serious hours. With regards to emotional strength, in medical school you have to see difficult situations where people's lives are destroyed; you'll have to talk with people all day long and keep your composure in the face of significant fatigue, patients engaging in self-destructive behavior, and the like. With graduate school you have to stay strong in the face of significant failures and continual frustration. Additionally, you have to be emotionally strong in that you are the one motivating yourself--you have to be the one to push yourself. Its interesting...

...difficult as it may be, I'm certainly very glad to be here, where I have a guaranteed job through the end of my training, and beyond. Much better than struggling out in the real world during a recession.